Tj is going to love this!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008 -

Ah well, it was nice while it lasted. New User off AGAIN due to people being pains *sigh*....to join, e.mail Feckless Wench at morticiacemetaria@hotmail.com

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There Ought To Be A Law

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Tj is going to love this!

I am probably in TJ eyes the poster child for irresponsible sexual encounters. I have had quite a few irresponsible moments when it has come to sex. They have ranged from being naive enough to put faith in myths to just flat out being to drunk to care.

I am even the mommy of not one but 2 teen-aged daughters who ended up pregnant at the whopping age of 16, the twins, both pregnant at the same time. Yes by different guys! I think I would had rolled over in my grave if it had been the same guy, that would have been just tooo much! I get nervous twitches just thinking about that one.

In another thread, we have been discussing abortion. I have stated a few things there that I don't feel is needed to repeat here, if you must have me rehash it, I will go back cut and paste.

The point of this post isn't to lay blame or point fingers at who is responsible when it comes to an unplanned pregnancy but to discuss what options a woman has available or what options should be available to a woman who finds herself in that position.

I had to face the ultimate "oh shit" moment when I found out my teen-aged child was pregnant, and being twins, a double dose of it. I had a choice how to respond to it. I am pro choice but I choose life first. Always!

Well, I gave myself the opportunity to cringe, make the "oh Hell" face, took a deep breath and said..."Well, the deed is done now, we may as well get happy about it and go baby shopping."

I did not call them names, I did not scream abortion, I went baby shopping. I did let them know this wasn't an ideal situation for them to be in but I was there for them. I talked (more like fought the fight of life and death) with one of them about abortion as she was considering it and I told her, that is not an option she really wants to pursue and I told her why I believed it wasn't an option for her to pursue. We also talked about placing the baby for adoption and the options she had available with adoption, open versus closed and her keeping the baby. The other one, she had already decided she was keeping her baby. In the end the other one eventually placed her baby in an open adoption placement. She did try to raise the child but it just wasn't working out to well.

Some of you will think I did the right thing by the girls some of you will accuse me of condoning irresponsible behavior but that is how I chose to handle the situation and it did result in saving 2 lives, an incredible young man and a delightful young lady (they are 7 years old now) born 3 days apart from one another.

I chose to remove stigma and shame, we already knew it wasn't the smartest move to make, why waste time on that. I gave my daughters the freedom to be happy and excited about becoming a mom. I was there for them, every step of the way. Once getting past the "OH frack" stage, I settled down into doing what I could to prepare them to be mothers. I mean it was there and I didn't have time to think about how to approach things. I just winged it.

One twin will tell you that I gave her the best gift in the world during a difficult time. The other will tell you I gave her an most outstanding attitude for a mother to have when dealing with difficult moments parents face during the course of raising their children.

I don't know, I just know that women need better options before it gets to that. Both men and women need better education, better birth control options, and they are getting better. As I stated before, a woman should not have to fight to have her tubes tied. Sure it is permanent but so is abortion. Which permanent option saves lives, which permanent option takes a life? Really it is a no brainer.

You cannot responsibly fight for women to go back to chop shops and you cannot fight for women to suck it up and take responsiblity for unplanned pregnancies by themselves, that is what got us into legalized abortion to start with.

So anyway, I gave you what I actually did when faced with this situation.

How would you handle it?

Replies

10/2/2008 8:20:40 AM From: mercury I fight for life, too... but I also understand that if life is not the choice, that support, not added stigma and rejection, is required. There's only one instance where I encouraged a friend to seek an abortion. She was unsure of who the father may have been, and had a quite a list to choose from and she was strung out on cocaine and had no intention of stopping that habit. I accompanied her to the clinic to verify that she was indeed pregnant and paid for her testing. I helped her make an appointment for the abortion. She, in turn, approached each man that was the potential sperm donor and hit each of them up for $250 and spent the cash on coke and new clothes. Her parents insurance ended up covering a late term abortion. The situation disgusts me, but she's only one of many unplanned pregnancies I have offered counsel for. For the rest it has been a heart wrenching decision, and none of them had the parental support that you showed, or felt they did, so they turned to me. Many of these babies are now full grown people, walking around on earth after being given the opportunity to be born. Some are living with adoptive families and some are very much the delight of their own "irresponsible" incubator ;o)


10/2/2008 8:31:42 AM From: mercury one more thing to add. In all those cases, not a single sperm donor is acting as a parent. One pays support, but hasn't seen his 8 year old son since he was 4 months old.


10/2/2008 8:34:14 AM From: Ali I guess if it's not my body being directly affected, it's not my decision to make. If I had a teenage daughter who wound up pregnant I would be disappointed but like you, there's no point in yelling and demanding any course of action be done. I would sit down with her and go over every single option and find the best one that not only suits her, but the father of her baby, me and my family. I would stress that while the decision on what to do is ultimately her own, she still has a responsibility to take the feelings of all those who will be affected by this unplanned pregnancy into consideration as well.


10/2/2008 9:01:33 AM From: Rani I too have offered counsel to several women faced with a unplanned pregnancy. I have not come across any situation where I encouraged abortion but like you if that is the choice ultimately made, which happened twice in my real life experience, I was there for them, every step of the way and somehow found a way to keep them from going insane over it. In both of those cases, the father had made it perfectly clear he would have nothing more to do with her if she did not abort the baby. Those girls cried real tears of anguish and torture because they really did want to keep the baby but no one but me was willing to be there for them, everyone else turned their backs on those girls. I still cry over that. I have myself on at least 2 occasions faced the abortion dilemma and chose to give birth. The first child, is my son the second child is now my niece, as I chose due to the circumstances of her conception to place her for adoption. However, I am not comfortable with closed adoptions, I still felt I was responsible for her and still felt it was my responsibilty to give her the best chance at a happy, healthy life, and I could not leave that up to chance. My sister and her husband fell head over hills in love with that child and I know I made the right choice and have no regrets in making the choice to allow them to adopt her. She is where she belongs, and she is still apart of our family, where God said she belongs.


10/2/2008 9:15:05 AM From: BCAR Any woman can run faster with her dress up than a man can with his pants down. So it must be the womans fault.


10/2/2008 9:16:32 AM From: mercury what about when he pulls them all the way off?


10/2/2008 9:29:32 AM From: PapaBryant Men don't run nude. A misstep hurts too much.


10/2/2008 9:36:07 AM From: timesjoke Rani, I notice something about your real world example, actually I noticed a couple things. First of all, with all the talk about how involved the discussions went with you and your girls, there was no involvement with the "sperm donor" (as merc calls men). Clearly this is an arena where men play almost no role except as part of the woman's understanding of having a daddy for the baby or not. Here is my problem, women already know they are stuck if they do not have a meaningful relationship so why allow yourself to be impregnated until you have a husband first? Your body, your womb, your decision to kill/not kill, your responsibility.


10/2/2008 9:38:40 AM From: timesjoke That said, you did a great thing, I believe we share similar beliefs in the value of life, you just allow one step I never will to accept the murder of an innocent life as an acceptable option for a woman who was being irresponsible. Only women have the option of killing a life, men do not have this option.


10/2/2008 9:45:10 AM From: timesjoke I first of all do everything in my power to make my daughter feel special and at ten years old, I open doors for her and say "thank you ma'am" and show her difference. My sons do the same and this is all aimed at the hope that if she is used to be treated like a lady and being shown respect, that maybe it will be something she will want from her men in her life as well. I do the same things with Tami, I open doors, hold chairs at the dinner table, serve her drink first, all with my daighter watching. All I can do is try, but I will also tell her the same thing I told my oldest sone, if your going to play like an adult, you must protect yourself like an adult. That second part is what is missing these days.


10/2/2008 9:47:50 AM From: mercury umm... TJ, you brought that term into the discussion on the other post. Would you like me to show you where? Anyway, when the "donor" walks away, has no contact and makes no effort to care for the result of an ovum and sperm collision, that's exactly what he is. He sure as hell isn't a father and doesn't deserve the title. Is there a term I could use that you would find less offensive?


10/2/2008 10:02:26 AM From: Rani Oh the father's very much was on the scene during this process, sorry if I failed to mention that. The story gets rather complicated, see the one twin, the one considering abortion, was raped by someone other than her boyfriend, her boyfriend stepped to plate and was there for her and was crushed when the DNA proved is wasn't him but the rapist that donated the sperm. Really Great guy, the other one, admitted he was the fahter, but offered no support for the child. A guy I did my very best to convince my daughter she did not want to get tangled up with him, so forcing a marriage, not an option.


10/2/2008 10:04:25 AM From: Rani When all the fur stopped flying, in the end, all my girls had was me. And I had to cough it up and live by my personal values.